> I haven't blogged in a while becuase there has been to much stuff to say.
> So im just gunna start from the begining.
> This week has been horrible. My friend antonio is missing and my other friend eric is dead. i cant comprehend the two things. i heard the news about eric monday, but it didnt hit me untill today. i skipped my firs two hours and sat outside on the steps and cried. i cried for antonio and his 7 month old baby boy. i cried for eric and his family.
>after going to my one class... i went on a drive, i found this really amazing bridge. i know that sounds creepy but its not. so this odd ball bridget is in fenton and its over the meramec river and its blocked off so cars cant go through it. probably cause its about to come crashing down... so i get out of my car and i go and i walk onto the bridge. im sitting there with my legs dangling over the side of the bridge. it was nice to be alone. i stared in to the river and thought of the search team looking for antonios body in the des peres river and desided to stop looking into the water. i laid down in the middle of what used to be a two laned road and stared up between the iron bars into the sky. it was freeing. to lay there.
>i've been crying alot lately. its been a good outlet, but at the same time its draining and disturbing. i actually havent gone a day since saturday night without crying. eric was a good guy, and i never ever heard him once say a bad thing about any one. he was from canada, maybe thats why... =) his burial is friday, and im going to miss it so im going to go to the wake on thursday. i will miss him becuase i never knew him as well as i should have. and heres the thing... i have honestly for the first time been face to face with the delicacy of life. its threatening. its terrifing. i dont like that it took something like the death of a friend to realize that. today there was his football jersey hanging outside of the autotorium along with some other things, and it really disturbed me. out of everything in the world eric could wear, he wore his jersey the most. and seeing it hanging like that on a hanger was heart breaking.
> being on the bridge today made me realize the unimportance of life's problems. no matter how much i want someone to realize he has the potential to make a stupid decision, or how much i want eric back, or how much i wish they would find antonio, it all passes and in time will become much less in the front of our minds. it'll heal over and be something to look back on and say " hey remember when i was so upset about bladiebla.. that was ages ago." and between here and then, there will be so many other distractions and so many other dissapointments to keep me going. todays problems are tomorrows distractions.
> dwelling on the negative simply contributes to it's power.
> filters: are my worst nightmare.
> FUCK
>im so emotional right now. explainable but still pathetic. i hate being like this its not normal. at times i feel really out of touch with myself and friends and i get angry when they want to talk about things because that makes me relive things i dont want to think about.
> i hope i pick myself up soon and start working my way back to life before all this happened.
only time will tell,
olivianne
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